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Self-blame sublime

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(no subject) [Nov. 30th, 2009, 01:12 am]
will never be prepared enough for freaking music.
its make or break do or die smile or cry fuckup or fly

hahahaa i like the last one the best.
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(no subject) [Nov. 29th, 2009, 11:20 am]
so, how's life?

yesterday was quite the fun (:
everything turned out fine, as we'd hoped it would.
we are strong people.

anyway.
i don't know what remarks to take seriously or throw in the ditch anymore.
i no longer easily trust what people say or do. i may seem like i do things on a whim, easy-going, whatnot,
but what happens when i think about it?
i get second thoughts, third thoughts, fourths and fifths.

mehh.
MEP's tomorrow. im freakin FREAKING OUT.
lit on thursday.
what do i do in between monday and thursday... mug all day?
i can't... I can't tahan all these books already.
I can't believe after thursday this chapter of my life is going to be OVERRRR.
well, technically april/may, when the results come out, will reopen it for awhile, like an epilogue.
but in books i hardly read epilogues.
i couldn't even read Atwood's Historical Notes until i forced myself to at Rasa Sentosa a month ago.
no use thinking about the outcome now.
must think about how my income is going to come in after this.

i feel like laughing at how weirdly i treat my words.
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apology [Nov. 26th, 2009, 03:41 am]
it's so tough to let my eyelids close with the knowledge of the hurt i'm about to inflict.
Wounds.
Seems like i have a talent in or a knack for being able to deliver the most stinging words in the most uncomfortable or unfortunate situations.
Stinging, yes, for me too.
Like a gash down my side. from which the rest of me will be emptied.

where are we?
What the hell is going on?
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matching [Nov. 24th, 2009, 02:28 am]


so i'm thinking that i'll never ever know how to live without you
so i'm thinking that i don't know what i'd be if you weren't here
you ain't one in a million or a billion
you're one in a freaking trillion gazillion

love you mommy.
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(no subject) [Nov. 23rd, 2009, 10:07 am]
Back from Malacca/Melaka since yesterday 6pm!
gosh do i feel like a whale.
caught 2012 at eng wah jubilee on thursday night because cathay was sold out...
bruce said the people he saw at jubilee were the same as those who were hanging around cathay at Hub...
guess EW jubilee is nowwww the dumping ground for Cathay rejects.
and we were one of them =X

photos from Msia up on facebook soon!
there're like so freaking many i think i'll just be *mildly* selective.
or as it wouldve possibly been spelt there, selektif.

"i'm worried i'll forget your face
and i've asked everyone
and im beginning to think i imagined you all along"

cornerstone by arctic monkeys.

also, the Blind Assassin by Atwood is freaking awesome so far, i love how the writing style is so boomz. shall extract afew nice lines that made me think. one day. or another... haha. photos photos photos!
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(no subject) [Nov. 18th, 2009, 11:37 pm]
when i get the point, i get the point.
telling me over and over is like ramming an already beaten-up jeep against the trunk that itd crashed on, time and time again...and time and time (and time) again.
i do wish people would understand me.
you say you know but you have no bloody idea.

Ageism indeed exists among us.
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(no subject) [Nov. 16th, 2009, 10:47 pm]
i dont know what to feel anymore. i feel so many different things towards so many people. so many, that when it's all jumbled up, together with my ADHD (i dont have the H though), it all ends up as one big blur. so i'll just put it all anonymously here, in the form of 'you's. i think this way i let it all out, but this way you people won't know either. or maybe you will.
maybe i don't really care what you think, for once.

you: loveeeee.
you: confused.
you: confused.
you: shut up.
you: resentment.
you: sweetness.
you: missed.

As: GO AWAY.

it's not good to think in phrases and words and pictures and gestures and actions.
because you know you have so much to say, but then there's nothing that comes out in a proper sentence = no one will understand you.
me.
no one will understand me properly, in the way that i would like every one to.

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(no subject) [Nov. 13th, 2009, 09:46 pm]
it seems that even though we know something is unattainable, we always hang on to the hope of success just to keep ourselves in bright spirits, or in some sort of agreeable mood, at least.
we shouldn't hold on too tight to these sorts of things though.
because what i'm feeling right now, is like those things in the movies.
like the heroes hanging off the edge of a building by the mere tips of their fingers, and there're people stepping on their fingers and it hurts so much that the hero's got to let go.

lyrics should not exist. i read into them too much...
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(no subject) [Nov. 13th, 2009, 08:30 pm]
latest loves:

arctic monkeys
milburn
little man tate

now looking for:
songs with similar sound but slow.
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(no subject) [Nov. 7th, 2009, 02:52 pm]
i probably have a song for almost every single one of you out there that means something to me, because people come and go, but songs, you can play them over and over and relive, remind, remember.
sometimes, its not my choice. i like my iPod on shuffle. then all of a sudden, BAM.

'Lips of an Angel' by Hinder comes on and reminds me of Michael.

'Just the Girl' by The Click Five is the song I intro-ed Jervis to.
'Guardian Angel' by Red Jumpsuit Apparatus made me cry thinking of Mummy and Daddy.
'Cancer' by My Chemical Romance made me cry thinking of Gonggong in his dying days.
'Haunting' by Anberlin just screams Auntie Lorna and Lolo to me.
the chorus of 'Beautiful' by Eminem and The Beatles' 'Dear Prudence' is my message to Milli and Mandi.

'Two Is Better Than One', Bruce intro-ed me to that one.
Byrne gave me all the crappy songs like 'I am Cow' back in 2005, the heydays.
the chorus in 'Time After Time' as covered by Quietdrive is for Tony.
Nick has many songs to his name because he has his Song of the Day thing. but the most prominent is 'Party In Your Bedroom'.

'At the Beginning' was 1A's theme song.
'Because of You' was our TJNB'06 karaoke song on the bus to Kallang. Ailin's favourite.
Metro Station makes me think of the Boobz.

Copeland's 'California' is my song to myself, a reminder that the world does not revolve around me. Come back.
'Leave' in the voice of Glen Hansard is what I imagine I will play everyday following any breakup I may induce or suffer.

Some people don't have songs, but they're already embedded in a part of my memory already and songs don't necessarily capture the essence of what I feel.
Like, Aaron, who's the best big-brother figure I could ask for, Ximin, Charmaine, Mel Chan, whom I watched as she grew from some young chatterbox to a sensible character, and the entire old bunch. Maybe the D&D dance mix would fit. I don't know.
I just miss a lot of people, but I know we can't turn back time.
I'm meeting a lot of new people, some of whom I wish I'd met earlier.
I'm forming friendships, some I wish were as simple as a straight line and not a web of mess, and some friendships I like things the way they are.

I put songs to people's names, I put labels to them, not because I objectify them as things or items that I make use of.
I try not to take them for granted. I try not to take advantage of people.
I try not to hurt or disappoint, because 1) I've hurt and disappointed a countless number of times, and 2) I've also been hurt and disappointed on quite a few occasions.

I'm opening up now. I'm living life. There's A Levels starting in 2 days. It's going to drag on for the next month. 9, 10, 11, 17, 19, 30, and the 3rd of December. Not really looking forward to it, but in terms of school life, there was nothing much to look back on, really. Just well, TJNB'06, the fighters of '07, the Boobz in '08 and this year, we were still the same. the MEP kiddos and compo camp, rushing everything, and how we're still trying to figure out gangsa from gender, bali from java, and getting murdered by the detail that chinese music encompasses. 1A/06 winning O'Nite that year with me and Angmian and our two ponytails, Hydra and hercules... 05/08 winning English Fair and topping the year off with the most outrageous stage rampage...
The people, the people. the people that made me stay in Temasek JC.

Life's full of people. we can't avoid them. If i was still stuck in my depression I'd be tearing my hair out by now. But there're people like the 603s, aaron, jervis (we're on this roller coaster all the time huh?), family, dr sim, auntie clara that make the daily goings-on much more endurable.
I would like to sing everywhere I go, because I have so many songs to sing about so many people.
I live my life based on lyrics in songs.

lose yourself in [the music,] the moment; you own it, you better never let it go.
you only got one shot, do not miss your chance.

this post has been nothing but ranting.
i'm such a machine.
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