Home

Advertisement

So stop moving [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]
Self-blame sublime

[ black | holes ]
[ & | revelations ]

(no subject) [Nov. 7th, 2009, 02:52 pm]
i probably have a song for almost every single one of you out there that means something to me, because people come and go, but songs, you can play them over and over and relive, remind, remember.
sometimes, its not my choice. i like my iPod on shuffle. then all of a sudden, BAM.

'Lips of an Angel' by Hinder comes on and reminds me of Michael.

'Just the Girl' by The Click Five is the song I intro-ed Jervis to.
'Guardian Angel' by Red Jumpsuit Apparatus made me cry thinking of Mummy and Daddy.
'Cancer' by My Chemical Romance made me cry thinking of Gonggong in his dying days.
'Haunting' by Anberlin just screams Auntie Lorna and Lolo to me.
the chorus of 'Beautiful' by Eminem and The Beatles' 'Dear Prudence' is my message to Milli and Mandi.

'Two Is Better Than One', Bruce intro-ed me to that one.
Byrne gave me all the crappy songs like 'I am Cow' back in 2005, the heydays.
the chorus in 'Time After Time' as covered by Quietdrive is for Tony.
Nick has many songs to his name because he has his Song of the Day thing. but the most prominent is 'Party In Your Bedroom'.

'At the Beginning' was 1A's theme song.
'Because of You' was our TJNB'06 karaoke song on the bus to Kallang. Ailin's favourite.
Metro Station makes me think of the Boobz.

Copeland's 'California' is my song to myself, a reminder that the world does not revolve around me. Come back.
'Leave' in the voice of Glen Hansard is what I imagine I will play everyday following any breakup I may induce or suffer.

Some people don't have songs, but they're already embedded in a part of my memory already and songs don't necessarily capture the essence of what I feel.
Like, Aaron, who's the best big-brother figure I could ask for, Ximin, Charmaine, Mel Chan, whom I watched as she grew from some young chatterbox to a sensible character, and the entire old bunch. Maybe the D&D dance mix would fit. I don't know.
I just miss a lot of people, but I know we can't turn back time.
I'm meeting a lot of new people, some of whom I wish I'd met earlier.
I'm forming friendships, some I wish were as simple as a straight line and not a web of mess, and some friendships I like things the way they are.

I put songs to people's names, I put labels to them, not because I objectify them as things or items that I make use of.
I try not to take them for granted. I try not to take advantage of people.
I try not to hurt or disappoint, because 1) I've hurt and disappointed a countless number of times, and 2) I've also been hurt and disappointed on quite a few occasions.

I'm opening up now. I'm living life. There's A Levels starting in 2 days. It's going to drag on for the next month. 9, 10, 11, 17, 19, 30, and the 3rd of December. Not really looking forward to it, but in terms of school life, there was nothing much to look back on, really. Just well, TJNB'06, the fighters of '07, the Boobz in '08 and this year, we were still the same. the MEP kiddos and compo camp, rushing everything, and how we're still trying to figure out gangsa from gender, bali from java, and getting murdered by the detail that chinese music encompasses. 1A/06 winning O'Nite that year with me and Angmian and our two ponytails, Hydra and hercules... 05/08 winning English Fair and topping the year off with the most outrageous stage rampage...
The people, the people. the people that made me stay in Temasek JC.

Life's full of people. we can't avoid them. If i was still stuck in my depression I'd be tearing my hair out by now. But there're people like the 603s, aaron, jervis (we're on this roller coaster all the time huh?), family, dr sim, auntie clara that make the daily goings-on much more endurable.
I would like to sing everywhere I go, because I have so many songs to sing about so many people.
I live my life based on lyrics in songs.

lose yourself in [the music,] the moment; you own it, you better never let it go.
you only got one shot, do not miss your chance.

this post has been nothing but ranting.
i'm such a machine.
Link2 comments|Leave a comment

(no subject) [Nov. 7th, 2009, 03:11 am]
Oh I believe in Yesterday.



could it have been any sadder?
LinkLeave a comment

(no subject) [Nov. 5th, 2009, 04:39 am]
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Is9xHR11E3A&feature=related

le sigh.
LinkLeave a comment

(no subject) [Oct. 29th, 2009, 12:32 pm]
worst thing to wake up to in the morning, whatever i read.
whatever.

just, whatever.
LinkLeave a comment

(no subject) [Oct. 28th, 2009, 12:47 am]


wish the image could be bigger without getting pixelated... the red eye in these pics is awesome!
Link1 comment|Leave a comment

(no subject) [Oct. 26th, 2009, 08:16 pm]
 the official last day in TJC was definitely bittersweet.
it's been such a crucial part of my life.
i think all my ups and downs have been there.
love 1A/06, 2E/06 and 05/08 and the netballers,every single year of em.
oh yes, ms nansi, mrs noordin, the MEP-ers, the MEP teachers (omg i love them sfm)... mrs koh, mr heng... damn.
will miss everything that i loved.
will miss everything that i hated.
oh well. we'll still be going back tomorrow. and the rest of the week. and then some.
and then the As.

there's so much confidence in me. PEOPLE have so much confidence in me.
cant let em down now can i...

love the photos on facebook. can't stop but go back and forth and back and forth.
i always said that today wouldn't feel like the last day, but well.. it did.
i teared... and cried...
guess 4 years really does form some kind of attachment, huh?
LinkLeave a comment

Metaphor for. [Oct. 24th, 2009, 02:15 am]
i've been bruising really easily these days...
my butt is sore now ): right elbow is pretty much fine, left upper arm has those broken blood vessel thingies from i don't know what.
im attributing it to my little... flight just now.
hahaha.

it feels good to feel hurt, it really does.
i'm not being sadistic or anything here, really.
hurt makes me feel uninvincible, makes me feel like everyone else.
and why would i want to feel like everyone else? isn't the 'IN' thing to be unique and different?

(do you sense some crappy rambling coming on? i know i do. i force you to read it. Nah. close the window.)

thing is, i already know i'm unique, different. some people say 'special' but i see me as just plain 'weird'.
it's a viewpoint of mine that can't be changed.
yea i AM special but not the special that those who say it mean, i'm more of a... look at her, she's.. special... kind of special.
wherever i go, i feel like i stand out. why?

1) ironically because i'm so small
2) i think too much
3) i act like i'm being watched
4) i think i'm being watched
5) maybe i have a black aura

maybe i could continue this show that i put on, maybe i can't.
ever since years ago, i've been saying i deserve an Oscar more than some of those Hollywood A-listers do.
I think at some point, all of us do. we act differently all the time.
some times we act as if we're being watched.
sometimes we act as if we don't care.
but sometimes we act as if we're so freaking affected
and sometimes they act as if we're not there.
maybe sometimes we shouldn't act at all.
if i didn't act, i'd be, well, myself. and you would be you.
and the world would be without a single mask or facade.
shakespeare would have been the ultimate Fail (all the world's a stage...)
and no one would've cared for any sort of fiction because it'd be fake.

but this is us, isn't it? we come up with things.
we all lie. novelists are just better liars than us.
i know i've lied.
if you tell you me you've never lied? i'd turn on you and say you just blurted out some foul untruth.
no, there should be no lies.
then there would be no tears, no hurt, nothing of 'the truth hurts', nope, nothing of that sort.

i've always said sometimes the truth hurts not because it's not what you want to hear, but because it simply means you've been lied to before. i still stick by that. who cares about what you want to hear?
n.o.b.o.d.y really.

so what happens if we don't lie? i keep secrets in order not to lie. secrets don't hurt as much as lies. secrets just with-hold information... lies distort the truth. i like secrets. but secrets are heavy on your heart, and they weigh you down, immensely. i try not to keep any secrets but i have to. because lies hurt others. i don't like to hurt others.
at the end of the day, i follow Othello's logic, killing Desdemona 'lest she betray more men'. i hurt myself in order not to hurt others. i wish pain upon myself because well, if there's a Heat budget in Geography, there SHOULD be a 'Pain Budget' in the world as well. if the pain comes to me, then there's less for everyone.

at 2:10am, the right side of my ass still hurts as i'm typing this. the bruise on my left arm looks like layers and layers of scatter diagrams. Rachel Yamagata emotes heartbreak from the speakers in my room. my eye is still red from subconjunctival haemorrhage, the Bubble-tea uncle from 631 and some drink-stall auntie from the coffeeshop have both given me friendly reprimands about how i haven't seen the doctor about it. Glen Hansard now sings his heart out to me.
my mind is a mess. funny how when my table was wholly disorganized i seemed fine and now after it's all been arranged oh-so-neatly i'm as blank as a newly bought scrapbook.

i wish for December, now, and I wish for snow.

Link1 comment|Leave a comment

(no subject) [Oct. 19th, 2009, 10:49 pm]



it would never hurt to take a step back and see you for you... right?
Link2 comments|Leave a comment

Funebre [Oct. 18th, 2009, 09:56 pm]
Hindemith's Trauermusik is the most beautiful music ive heard this week.
LinkLeave a comment

(no subject) [Oct. 16th, 2009, 11:05 am]
"I mean, you're seriously the sweetest person i've ever met."

Why do people say things like that?
WHY? it doesn't make the shit go away.
Link1 comment|Leave a comment

navigation
[ viewing | most recent entries ]
[ go | earlier ]

Advertisement