So stop moving

breakmontblanc @ 2009-11-07T14:52:00

2009-11-07T06:52:11Z

i probably have a song for almost every single one of you out there that means something to me, because people come and go, but songs, you can play them over and over and relive, remind, remember.
sometimes, its not my choice. i like my iPod on shuffle. then all of a sudden, BAM.

'Lips of an Angel' by Hinder comes on and reminds me of Michael.

'Just the Girl' by The Click Five is the song I intro-ed Jervis to.
'Guardian Angel' by Red Jumpsuit Apparatus made me cry thinking of Mummy and Daddy.
'Cancer' by My Chemical Romance made me cry thinking of Gonggong in his dying days.
'Haunting' by Anberlin just screams Auntie Lorna and Lolo to me.
the chorus of 'Beautiful' by Eminem and The Beatles' 'Dear Prudence' is my message to Milli and Mandi.

'Two Is Better Than One', Bruce intro-ed me to that one.
Byrne gave me all the crappy songs like 'I am Cow' back in 2005, the heydays.
the chorus in 'Time After Time' as covered by Quietdrive is for Tony.
Nick has many songs to his name because he has his Song of the Day thing. but the most prominent is 'Party In Your Bedroom'.

'At the Beginning' was 1A's theme song.
'Because of You' was our TJNB'06 karaoke song on the bus to Kallang. Ailin's favourite.
Metro Station makes me think of the Boobz.

Copeland's 'California' is my song to myself, a reminder that the world does not revolve around me. Come back.
'Leave' in the voice of Glen Hansard is what I imagine I will play everyday following any breakup I may induce or suffer.

Some people don't have songs, but they're already embedded in a part of my memory already and songs don't necessarily capture the essence of what I feel.
Like, Aaron, who's the best big-brother figure I could ask for, Ximin, Charmaine, Mel Chan, whom I watched as she grew from some young chatterbox to a sensible character, and the entire old bunch. Maybe the D&D dance mix would fit. I don't know.
I just miss a lot of people, but I know we can't turn back time.
I'm meeting a lot of new people, some of whom I wish I'd met earlier.
I'm forming friendships, some I wish were as simple as a straight line and not a web of mess, and some friendships I like things the way they are.

I put songs to people's names, I put labels to them, not because I objectify them as things or items that I make use of.
I try not to take them for granted. I try not to take advantage of people.
I try not to hurt or disappoint, because 1) I've hurt and disappointed a countless number of times, and 2) I've also been hurt and disappointed on quite a few occasions.

I'm opening up now. I'm living life. There's A Levels starting in 2 days. It's going to drag on for the next month. 9, 10, 11, 17, 19, 30, and the 3rd of December. Not really looking forward to it, but in terms of school life, there was nothing much to look back on, really. Just well, TJNB'06, the fighters of '07, the Boobz in '08 and this year, we were still the same. the MEP kiddos and compo camp, rushing everything, and how we're still trying to figure out gangsa from gender, bali from java, and getting murdered by the detail that chinese music encompasses. 1A/06 winning O'Nite that year with me and Angmian and our two ponytails, Hydra and hercules... 05/08 winning English Fair and topping the year off with the most outrageous stage rampage...
The people, the people. the people that made me stay in Temasek JC.

Life's full of people. we can't avoid them. If i was still stuck in my depression I'd be tearing my hair out by now. But there're people like the 603s, aaron, jervis (we're on this roller coaster all the time huh?), family, dr sim, auntie clara that make the daily goings-on much more endurable.
I would like to sing everywhere I go, because I have so many songs to sing about so many people.
I live my life based on lyrics in songs.

lose yourself in [the music,] the moment; you own it, you better never let it go.
you only got one shot, do not miss your chance.

this post has been nothing but ranting.
i'm such a machine.

breakmontblanc @ 2009-11-07T03:11:00

2009-11-06T19:13:00Z

Oh I believe in Yesterday.

could it have been any sadder?

breakmontblanc @ 2009-11-05T04:39:00

2009-11-04T20:40:20Z

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Is9xHR11E3A&feature=related

le sigh.

breakmontblanc @ 2009-10-29T12:32:00

2009-10-29T04:33:28Z

worst thing to wake up to in the morning, whatever i read.
whatever.

just, whatever.

breakmontblanc @ 2009-10-28T00:47:00

2009-10-27T16:56:22Z

wish the image could be bigger without getting pixelated... the red eye in these pics is awesome!

breakmontblanc @ 2009-10-26T20:16:00

2009-10-26T12:23:59Z

the official last day in TJC was definitely bittersweet.
it's been such a crucial part of my life.
i think all my ups and downs have been there.
love 1A/06, 2E/06 and 05/08 and the netballers,every single year of em.
oh yes, ms nansi, mrs noordin, the MEP-ers, the MEP teachers (omg i love them sfm)... mrs koh, mr heng... damn.
will miss everything that i loved.
will miss everything that i hated.
oh well. we'll still be going back tomorrow. and the rest of the week. and then some.
and then the As.

there's so much confidence in me. PEOPLE have so much confidence in me.
cant let em down now can i...

love the photos on facebook. can't stop but go back and forth and back and forth.
i always said that today wouldn't feel like the last day, but well.. it did.
i teared... and cried...
guess 4 years really does form some kind of attachment, huh?

Metaphor for.

2009-10-23T18:19:20Z

i've been bruising really easily these days...
my butt is sore now ): right elbow is pretty much fine, left upper arm has those broken blood vessel thingies from i don't know what.
im attributing it to my little... flight just now.
hahaha.

it feels good to feel hurt, it really does.
i'm not being sadistic or anything here, really.
hurt makes me feel uninvincible, makes me feel like everyone else.
and why would i want to feel like everyone else? isn't the 'IN' thing to be unique and different?

(do you sense some crappy rambling coming on? i know i do. i force you to read it. Nah. close the window.)

thing is, i already know i'm unique, different. some people say 'special' but i see me as just plain 'weird'.
it's a viewpoint of mine that can't be changed.
yea i AM special but not the special that those who say it mean, i'm more of a... look at her, she's.. special... kind of special.
wherever i go, i feel like i stand out. why?

1) ironically because i'm so small
2) i think too much
3) i act like i'm being watched
4) i think i'm being watched
5) maybe i have a black aura

maybe i could continue this show that i put on, maybe i can't.
ever since years ago, i've been saying i deserve an Oscar more than some of those Hollywood A-listers do.
I think at some point, all of us do. we act differently all the time.
some times we act as if we're being watched.
sometimes we act as if we don't care.
but sometimes we act as if we're so freaking affected
and sometimes they act as if we're not there.
maybe sometimes we shouldn't act at all.
if i didn't act, i'd be, well, myself. and you would be you.
and the world would be without a single mask or facade.
shakespeare would have been the ultimate Fail (all the world's a stage...)
and no one would've cared for any sort of fiction because it'd be fake.

but this is us, isn't it? we come up with things.
we all lie. novelists are just better liars than us.
i know i've lied.
if you tell you me you've never lied? i'd turn on you and say you just blurted out some foul untruth.
no, there should be no lies.
then there would be no tears, no hurt, nothing of 'the truth hurts', nope, nothing of that sort.

i've always said sometimes the truth hurts not because it's not what you want to hear, but because it simply means you've been lied to before. i still stick by that. who cares about what you want to hear?
n.o.b.o.d.y really.

so what happens if we don't lie? i keep secrets in order not to lie. secrets don't hurt as much as lies. secrets just with-hold information... lies distort the truth. i like secrets. but secrets are heavy on your heart, and they weigh you down, immensely. i try not to keep any secrets but i have to. because lies hurt others. i don't like to hurt others.
at the end of the day, i follow Othello's logic, killing Desdemona 'lest she betray more men'. i hurt myself in order not to hurt others. i wish pain upon myself because well, if there's a Heat budget in Geography, there SHOULD be a 'Pain Budget' in the world as well. if the pain comes to me, then there's less for everyone.

at 2:10am, the right side of my ass still hurts as i'm typing this. the bruise on my left arm looks like layers and layers of scatter diagrams. Rachel Yamagata emotes heartbreak from the speakers in my room. my eye is still red from subconjunctival haemorrhage, the Bubble-tea uncle from 631 and some drink-stall auntie from the coffeeshop have both given me friendly reprimands about how i haven't seen the doctor about it. Glen Hansard now sings his heart out to me.
my mind is a mess. funny how when my table was wholly disorganized i seemed fine and now after it's all been arranged oh-so-neatly i'm as blank as a newly bought scrapbook.

i wish for December, now, and I wish for snow.

breakmontblanc @ 2009-10-19T22:49:00

2009-10-19T14:54:34Z

it would never hurt to take a step back and see you for you... right?

Funebre

2009-10-18T13:58:15Z

Hindemith's Trauermusik is the most beautiful music ive heard this week.

breakmontblanc @ 2009-10-16T11:05:00

2009-10-16T03:08:01Z

"I mean, you're seriously the sweetest person i've ever met."

Why do people say things like that?
WHY? it doesn't make the shit go away.

Fly

2009-10-16T02:23:45Z

the other day on the bus home, I sat next to a dragonfly that had flown in from outside and was stuck in the some foreign environment it obviously felt trapped in.
it was raining, and all it did was be very still, facing the window, as if it were watching the torrents of rain hit the window from back out there.
like it was emo-ing (i might even chuckle here).
then suddenly it began to buzz. it banged its head repeatedly against the window not knowing how to get out. repeatedly it rammed its whole being against the window.
it was troubling to see the dragonfly hurting itself like this.
i went to sleep. when I awoke, it wasnt there anymore.
i'm hoping it got out.

breakmontblanc @ 2009-10-15T07:20:00

2009-10-14T23:20:56Z

today's another 1140 day.
Just signed the declaration form for mep portfolio submission.
So, i've done my part, the teachers have been awesome pillars of strength and counsel, the only things left to hope for now are that

a) the cambridge people had the most awesome, mood-lifting coffee before marking our portfolios
&
b) the ship our files are loaded onto is NOT titanic II.

Bball has been really great.
slave in the day, play in the night.
Makes sense, doesn't it?
I only hope it doesnt take a toll on me in the sense that i get all tired out... Have been falling asleep on my bed right in front of the com the past 2 nights, waking up with my lenses still on. =P

breakmontblanc @ 2009-10-12T08:49:00

2009-10-12T00:51:52Z

where will you be when your frustration kicks in?

as for me, i'll be somewhere, going nowhere, and doing my MEP portfolio coverpages.
and trying not to think about how sometimes trying is like quicksand.
i tried so hard this time and i got further i guess.
further away from a pass, that is.

breakmontblanc @ 2009-10-10T23:31:00

2009-10-10T15:34:58Z

hate this cough... when i try to stifle it at night i sound like a retard. ):
haven't been playing alot lately.
partially because of the tent that justttt came down 2 days ago
and also because i feel like crap.
well.
well.

i feel like crap ):

breakmontblanc @ 2009-10-08T09:55:00

2009-10-08T01:55:19Z

see more Lolcats and funny pictures

see more Lolcats and funny pictures

see more Lol Celebs

see more Lol Celebs

see more Political Pictures

see more Political Pictures

see more Sports Pictures

see more Sports Pictures

see more Sports Pictures

see more Epic Fails

haven't done these in awhile (post lolcats and the like).
*yawns* my day is about to start... and end. in 5.......

breakmontblanc @ 2009-10-08T09:38:00

2009-10-08T01:42:15Z

this table in MS2 is absurdly noisy.
freaking hell.
so anyway, 2 periods of lesson today only, starting at 10, and ending at 1140. GEOG AND MEP CLASH. AGAIN.
freaking hell.
i think the timetabling committee probably forgot all about me.
who cares anyway. not like i care about them. i only care about how they like to screw up things like this and the initial prelims timetable.

FAIL.

badminton ystd with twin and jervis, now known as fatty.
ahahaha. twas fun. i like to think that i trashed them (:

does anyone read this?
besides clarebear (:
leave a comment please.
if not i'm locking my journal from now on.

breakmontblanc @ 2009-10-06T05:21:00

2009-10-05T21:24:26Z

transferring some songs to my ipod then leaving for school.
in just 2 months, i'll be 'leaving school'. HALLELUJAH.

see more Lolcats and funny pictures
that is me and As.

breakmontblanc @ 2009-10-06T00:08:00

2009-10-05T16:07:06Z

One can be this lucky.
But one can also be this confused.
some circumstances shouldn't exist at all.
but for tonight, i think i can smile (:
and also, have to nurse my back wounds :D

i think wounds are intriguing; they show that you're not really made of steel as you believe, after all.
also.... the 603s should play crocodile more often :D

breakmontblanc @ 2009-10-05T11:00:00

2009-10-05T03:00:21Z

so saturday night was awesome too, awesome fun.
after friday, saturday night was more drinking! And i think that shot of absolut blackcurrant rly ruined my throat :D
Am sick now, judging by what im feeling i knw it's either a throat or viral infection, because that's what dr hui would say.
Also.... My voice is tres sexy!!!
Also last night at the playground, had a chat in which some things were thrown out into the open that i'd nvr have expected to hear.

It struck me there that i'm already really fortunate to have a complete family and working parents and a new outlook on life (or so i think i seem to have adopted). Ive been doing alot of reflection lately and i think the reason why i still feel and look and act sixteen, is because the past two years of my life i've wasted on all my problems, the depression and all that came along with it.

I'm eighteen now. I seem to be stressing on that fact alot nowadays, but i can't help it. its a privilege.

[edit: 243PM]
OH YES on saturday i also beat yeowhian at pool! all by myself!

and... Happy Birthday, N!
[/edit]

breakmontblanc @ 2009-10-03T08:30:00

2009-10-03T00:34:11Z

stomachache first thing after breakfast ):
74 for prelims prac (:
real As prac next wednesday ):
going out today (:

life is a rollercoaster just gotta ride it

luckily these two have been with me all the way.

[edit: 0835am]
last night was awesome too (:
went over to byrne's for some *fellowship* and saw the churchies again!
no doubt, not all of em were there, but it was still good to see the faces i once saw almost everyday.
minute i stepped through the door, said hi.....went straight for my chief purpose of going there.
and mission accomplished.
and God saw that it was good.
had my first beer in 3 years, stella artois, the brand that runs the tournament that is Roddick's :D
then went back to 606 at like nearly midnight to chat with the 603s.

i am lucky, very lucky indeed.
i only hope today will turn out fine (:

Run-on (lines)

2009-10-01T14:43:51Z

i'm so tired
like a bulb with
no filament, like a faulty remote
control, like a television that's been on
the entire day

i'm so tired
like a pen before it runs out
of ink, like an artist's last page in a
sketchbook, like a

pig trying to fly.

but the impossible reads
'i-m-possible' so we have to believe
i have to
assure myself that this is going to be over soon enough.

but i've had enough.
this flapping and trying is exhausting me.
i'm no car with a superior engine,
i'm no factory in Hyderabad.
i'm so tired. i'm no exhaust fume.
I'm exhausted and fuming. and I'm fuming mad

that i'm so tired.

breakmontblanc @ 2009-10-01T22:04:00

2009-10-01T14:06:07Z

CS says:
congrats ur prelim over
lol
> Eadelin, ( This is the way the world ends ), says:
NOT YET!!!
TMR IS MY LAST PAPER ))):
CS says:
oh really!!

CHENSHAO WINS AT LIFE.
Roarrrrr. sian again, thanks to this stinking reminder.
i began a story on the bus today.
I hope it goes somewhere.
the last two that id planned,

a. Courtship
b. Death Note spin-off

took off but never flew anywhere.
this one seems promising.

Only thing I ask

2009-10-01T09:56:42Z

Dear God,
is there no letting up, at all?

I only wish that if I'd finished or overcome something that You'd thrown at me, I'd have some time to at least sit back and relax.
but no, I've come to realize that in this Life (with a capital L because it's really something on it's own) everything's just go, go, go,

and COME ON KEEP MOVING.

i don't want to keep moving though.
i want to stop, take a deep breath and be thankful that I managed to finish something.

can I?
can't I?

Dear God,
is there no letting up, at all?

bian

2009-09-30T16:42:11Z

I've been thinking about why today was so awesome...

#1: Studied quite alot, finished preparation for prelims portfolio submission. all that's wrong now is that the printer is offline.

#2: Caught my first horror movie! Phobia 2 hahahaha omg it was so funny i think I'm not scared of watching horror films anymore. Kudos to the thais :D

#3: studied even more after that! MEP, highlighting lit text.... alot.

#4: maybe this bunch reminds me of my sec2, sec3 days, they bring me back to the good ol' times. I thank God mummy told me to go downstairs & play bball that day late May this year. If not i'd never have been this happy.

There you go, i'm out of my hole. (:

breakmontblanc @ 2009-09-27T11:39:00

2009-09-27T03:39:53Z

you have this innate ability to upset me and be absolutely oblivious to it.
I have a talent for interpreting even the slightest bit of your being disgruntled.

We should never work together...